Dear Cousins,
This has been a hard winter on me and many of my family... It could be worse though. It was for my Cousin Junebug - no relation to my Cousin Peanut who is a Chappell. Junebug is a Gilbert.
Junebug pretty much lost everything during this past winter back down in my hometown of Beloved.
Here's how it is, and I ain't tellin' tales 'cause it was all reported by Myrtle Shoop already in the Manchester Enterprise.
You see, Junebug had done got involved and run off with an exotic dancer named Sweet Tea. That were not a stage name, it was for real her name. Her brother we call J.J. Burns, his real name was Jelly Jar Burns and hers was Sweet Tea Burns.Jelly Jar is no name for a serious Nascar pit crew boss.
Their Mama and Daddy was just not too creative when they started namin' babies. After they had their first three- the third one is named Bud L. Burns (middle name Lite), someone bought them a second hand book of baby names at the Jot 'Em Down store and the rest of the youngin's are named normal names.
That Sweet Tea went to ruin early on dancin' an' all. She was caught doin' the Cha Cha, Mambo and even the Samba behind the barn over to the Burns place. 'Fore long it led to her doin the fandango right in the basement of Booger Holler Holiness Church. It were a real scandal down home.
Well, Junebug got tied up with her an' her dancin' ways an' they went to Jellico Tennessee an' got hitched. They tried to settle down, bought a 12 by 60 foot mobile home an' put it smack dab on one of the end lots over to the Blessed Trailer Park, run by Homer Lee and Esther May Blessed. Now, Homer and Esther May are Methodists an' don't take too much truck with the Holiness folks an' didn't mind if an exotic dancer took up housekeepin' in their trailer park.It was good for the bachelor trailer rentin' business.
I didn't mention that Sweet Tea was seven foot tall. Junebug is a big ol' boy, near six foot six and as strong as an ox. She saw him swingin' a log one day an' knew he was the man for her. She did all she could to get his attention durin' her day job at the Henny Penny. The Henny Penny is the local chicken restaurant where they serve broasted chicken an' biscuits so light they have to tie a string to them an hook the other end to a drumstick just to keep them biscuits from floatin' away.
I have to say, any good honest mountain boy would fall head over heels for a seven foot red headed, freckled mountain gal with big ol' blue eyes if she came toward him on roller skates, short shorts (2 inches above the knees!!) with a big ol' platter of broasted chicken, a stack of biscuits floatin' overhead an' a mason jar plumb full of sweet tea!
Many a mountain boy has been lured into a marriage proposal with just such a scenario! It runs only second to placin' a bear trap on the path to Percival Poovey's still on a Friday night after payday over to the mine.
Junebug took his food, had a big ol' swig of sweet tea out of that there Mason Jar an' blurted out, "Man, I love Sweet Tea" . He grinned a dopey grin, looked around, picked up a broasted chicken leg an' commenced to eatin' every morsel of that leg in one bite!
Sweet Tea Burns decided to take advantage of what Junebug said and ran over to Brother Woodrow Budder, the preacher over to Booger Holler Holiness Church who was sittin' in the next car over with my cousin, Sister Hazel Nutt Budder.
Sweet Tea hollered, "Y'all hear that? Junebug Gilbert has done professed his love for me. Them is marryin' words if ever I did hear them!" Well folks did hear Junebug when he hollered, sure enough, him havin' a good set of lungs an' all.
In the ensuing hubub, Junebug just said, "What?" over an' over again.
Junebug's Daddy an Sweet Tea's Daddy showed up right quick (havin' been called by Sweet Tea herself) an' rather than start a feud between the Burns an' the Gilberts, Junebug's Daddy got Brother Woodrow Budder to marry them on the spot.
It was a festive occasion, one of the waitresses dug around in the Christmas decorations an found a tree skirt they wrapped around Sweet Tea's waist, some poinsettias for a bouquet and a dab of white nettin' for a veil. Everybody got out of their cars an' the folks eatin' inside came out under the awning to be a part of the wonderful hitchin'.
Myrtle Shoop had been havin' a mixed gizzard an' liver combo inside with ladies from her church an' was able to report in the Manchester Enterprise, as mentioned earlier.
It weren't such a bad deal for Junebug in some ways, Sweet Tea is an awful pretty gal. Things started goin' south when we had that bad ice storm about middle of January.
Sweet Tea had talked Junebug to puttin' up one of them dance poles in the livin' room of their 12x60 foot mobile home an' she practiced every day on it, hopin' to move from exotic dances like the Samba to that there pole dancin' she had heard about.
She wore work gloves an' overalls as she practiced. Junebug had made that there pole out of good seasoned hickory wood, but hadn't sanded it too good. Sweet Tea didn't want no splinters, you see.
Now here is the problem... a seven foot gal swingin' round a pole ain't no big deal, unless she is doin' it in a 12x60 foot mobile home that ain't been tied down yet. Homer Lee Blessed had it on the "to do" list, but Esther May had just not got to it yet.
The ice storm had slicked the whole holler up real slick down where the Blessed Trailer Park is. When Sweet Tea commenced to swingin' on that pole, the whole trailer started slippin' round on the ice. The more she swung, the more it slipped. She didn't notice till it was right on the edge of a seventy foot ravine. She looked out the window at the end of the trailer an' screamed, swung off the pole and ran for the door.
That last swing was all it took. That brand new 12x60 foot mobile home went a careenin' off that cliff and into the ravine. It slipped slow like, sorta like a slow motion movie or some such thing. Just before it crashed over, the V shaped tongue of the trailer - you know, the part they pull it with, got hung on some big ol' roots from a gigantic oak tree. It hung up as it was goin' over and hung vertically, the end just 10 feet from the bottom.
There it hangs to this very day. No one has figured out how to pull 'er up an' put it back in place. Junebug thought they could secure it to the side of the hill an' have a hangin' condominium, just put in some floors sideways an' all, but Sweet Tea was havin' none of that.
When your wife is seven foot tall, a feller pretty much does what she says, even if you are six foot six!
They are livin' temporary like over the Henny Penny, but that most likely will come to an end. Sweet Tea has done corrupted Junebug and they have been makin' quite a racket in the evenin's as Sweet Tea is tryin' to teach Junebug to do that paso-doble exotic dance.
It is the shame of the whole town of Beloved. Like I said, I thought my winter was bad as I approached the double nickle milestone, then I realized it could be worse... I could be married to Sweet Tea instead of Oh My Darlin'.
Cousin Stephen
Written just before my 55th birthday in 2008 (copyrighted by Stephen Hollen, of course)
Stephen Hollen is an award winning storyteller, humorist and Mark Twain Impersonator living in Beavercreek, Ohio. He performs and tells stories in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan and throughout the USA.
This has been a hard winter on me and many of my family... It could be worse though. It was for my Cousin Junebug - no relation to my Cousin Peanut who is a Chappell. Junebug is a Gilbert.
Junebug pretty much lost everything during this past winter back down in my hometown of Beloved.
Here's how it is, and I ain't tellin' tales 'cause it was all reported by Myrtle Shoop already in the Manchester Enterprise.
You see, Junebug had done got involved and run off with an exotic dancer named Sweet Tea. That were not a stage name, it was for real her name. Her brother we call J.J. Burns, his real name was Jelly Jar Burns and hers was Sweet Tea Burns.Jelly Jar is no name for a serious Nascar pit crew boss.
Their Mama and Daddy was just not too creative when they started namin' babies. After they had their first three- the third one is named Bud L. Burns (middle name Lite), someone bought them a second hand book of baby names at the Jot 'Em Down store and the rest of the youngin's are named normal names.
That Sweet Tea went to ruin early on dancin' an' all. She was caught doin' the Cha Cha, Mambo and even the Samba behind the barn over to the Burns place. 'Fore long it led to her doin the fandango right in the basement of Booger Holler Holiness Church. It were a real scandal down home.
Well, Junebug got tied up with her an' her dancin' ways an' they went to Jellico Tennessee an' got hitched. They tried to settle down, bought a 12 by 60 foot mobile home an' put it smack dab on one of the end lots over to the Blessed Trailer Park, run by Homer Lee and Esther May Blessed. Now, Homer and Esther May are Methodists an' don't take too much truck with the Holiness folks an' didn't mind if an exotic dancer took up housekeepin' in their trailer park.It was good for the bachelor trailer rentin' business.
I didn't mention that Sweet Tea was seven foot tall. Junebug is a big ol' boy, near six foot six and as strong as an ox. She saw him swingin' a log one day an' knew he was the man for her. She did all she could to get his attention durin' her day job at the Henny Penny. The Henny Penny is the local chicken restaurant where they serve broasted chicken an' biscuits so light they have to tie a string to them an hook the other end to a drumstick just to keep them biscuits from floatin' away.
I have to say, any good honest mountain boy would fall head over heels for a seven foot red headed, freckled mountain gal with big ol' blue eyes if she came toward him on roller skates, short shorts (2 inches above the knees!!) with a big ol' platter of broasted chicken, a stack of biscuits floatin' overhead an' a mason jar plumb full of sweet tea!
Many a mountain boy has been lured into a marriage proposal with just such a scenario! It runs only second to placin' a bear trap on the path to Percival Poovey's still on a Friday night after payday over to the mine.
Junebug took his food, had a big ol' swig of sweet tea out of that there Mason Jar an' blurted out, "Man, I love Sweet Tea" . He grinned a dopey grin, looked around, picked up a broasted chicken leg an' commenced to eatin' every morsel of that leg in one bite!
Sweet Tea Burns decided to take advantage of what Junebug said and ran over to Brother Woodrow Budder, the preacher over to Booger Holler Holiness Church who was sittin' in the next car over with my cousin, Sister Hazel Nutt Budder.
Sweet Tea hollered, "Y'all hear that? Junebug Gilbert has done professed his love for me. Them is marryin' words if ever I did hear them!" Well folks did hear Junebug when he hollered, sure enough, him havin' a good set of lungs an' all.
In the ensuing hubub, Junebug just said, "What?" over an' over again.
Junebug's Daddy an Sweet Tea's Daddy showed up right quick (havin' been called by Sweet Tea herself) an' rather than start a feud between the Burns an' the Gilberts, Junebug's Daddy got Brother Woodrow Budder to marry them on the spot.
It was a festive occasion, one of the waitresses dug around in the Christmas decorations an found a tree skirt they wrapped around Sweet Tea's waist, some poinsettias for a bouquet and a dab of white nettin' for a veil. Everybody got out of their cars an' the folks eatin' inside came out under the awning to be a part of the wonderful hitchin'.
Myrtle Shoop had been havin' a mixed gizzard an' liver combo inside with ladies from her church an' was able to report in the Manchester Enterprise, as mentioned earlier.
It weren't such a bad deal for Junebug in some ways, Sweet Tea is an awful pretty gal. Things started goin' south when we had that bad ice storm about middle of January.
Sweet Tea had talked Junebug to puttin' up one of them dance poles in the livin' room of their 12x60 foot mobile home an' she practiced every day on it, hopin' to move from exotic dances like the Samba to that there pole dancin' she had heard about.
She wore work gloves an' overalls as she practiced. Junebug had made that there pole out of good seasoned hickory wood, but hadn't sanded it too good. Sweet Tea didn't want no splinters, you see.
Now here is the problem... a seven foot gal swingin' round a pole ain't no big deal, unless she is doin' it in a 12x60 foot mobile home that ain't been tied down yet. Homer Lee Blessed had it on the "to do" list, but Esther May had just not got to it yet.
The ice storm had slicked the whole holler up real slick down where the Blessed Trailer Park is. When Sweet Tea commenced to swingin' on that pole, the whole trailer started slippin' round on the ice. The more she swung, the more it slipped. She didn't notice till it was right on the edge of a seventy foot ravine. She looked out the window at the end of the trailer an' screamed, swung off the pole and ran for the door.
That last swing was all it took. That brand new 12x60 foot mobile home went a careenin' off that cliff and into the ravine. It slipped slow like, sorta like a slow motion movie or some such thing. Just before it crashed over, the V shaped tongue of the trailer - you know, the part they pull it with, got hung on some big ol' roots from a gigantic oak tree. It hung up as it was goin' over and hung vertically, the end just 10 feet from the bottom.
There it hangs to this very day. No one has figured out how to pull 'er up an' put it back in place. Junebug thought they could secure it to the side of the hill an' have a hangin' condominium, just put in some floors sideways an' all, but Sweet Tea was havin' none of that.
When your wife is seven foot tall, a feller pretty much does what she says, even if you are six foot six!
They are livin' temporary like over the Henny Penny, but that most likely will come to an end. Sweet Tea has done corrupted Junebug and they have been makin' quite a racket in the evenin's as Sweet Tea is tryin' to teach Junebug to do that paso-doble exotic dance.
It is the shame of the whole town of Beloved. Like I said, I thought my winter was bad as I approached the double nickle milestone, then I realized it could be worse... I could be married to Sweet Tea instead of Oh My Darlin'.
Cousin Stephen
Written just before my 55th birthday in 2008 (copyrighted by Stephen Hollen, of course)
Stephen Hollen is an award winning storyteller, humorist and Mark Twain Impersonator living in Beavercreek, Ohio. He performs and tells stories in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan and throughout the USA.
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