Dressing for Success?

Recently there was an online discussion on a list of storytellers about costumes, appropriate dress and "storyteller traditional garb".  It was interesting to say the least.  It also was informative.

It touched on the edges of marketing and developing a "brand", but it missed some important points (in my opinion).  Performers need to remember that the folks that hire them don't want negative feedback about an event.  They don't want paying customers to walk away and talk about how someone looked.  They want paying customers to be entertained.  They want a great event. 

AND YOU WANT TO BE REHIRED!!

Since this is my soapbox, I want to make mention of a few of these.

First of all to the most important point!  Storytellers and other performers do themselves NO favors by wearing wrinkled, dirty or inappropriate clothing.  Wearing jeans to perform is fine.  Just be sure to wear clean ones.  Treat them like a stage costume and set them aside from everyday wear.  Don't do your painting or garden work in them.  Tee shirts should be treated the same way if you wear them on stage.  Wrinkled or "thrice worn" and pulled out of the pile may be overlooked by college kids, but may turn off the folks who PAY you.  Remember them?  They actually have a dog in this fight (more about them later).

Ill fitting clothing is one of the horrors I see on stage for all types of performers.  I was at an event lately and a band had a musician who thought he still wore the same pant size as he did in college.  Unfortunately his waistband was significantly lower than his belly (which was pretty large and hung over his belt like an avalanche waiting to break loose).  His shirt buttons were stretched tight and his shirt tail too short to cover his hang over.  the gentleman wore no tee shirt under his shirt and eventually his hairy belly became a star attraction on stage.

Then there is the dear woman who sat on stage and kept leaning over as if to whisper secrets to her audience.  It was a great performance... but her blouse was a bit too low cut and her "have mercies" became the focus of many who wondered if they would overcome their imprisonment and escape.  Low cut is one thing, just remember this is not a night club.

Two of my most popular programs are of characters, Mark Twain and Buffalo Bill Cody.  I researched and put together costumes that fit the appearance pretty well.  Most tellers do not wear costumes, but have some type of clothing they prefer.  Most wear comfortable clothing or perhaps a piece or two that is part of their brand. (Bil Lepp in jeans, tee shirt and ball cap, or Donald Davis in bow tie and nattily dressed for example)

 As a storyteller I began my "career" telling Appalachian stories and wearing a fedora style hat.  I still do that as part of my brand.  I have lots of hats, lots and lots because I like hats.  These days when I am just me I wear a hat most of the time (not always), nice slacks, usually a white long sleeve shirt and some type of vest.

I like vests.  I wear them off stage too.  I have quite a few vests, actually and wear some type of vest most days in winter.  I don't wear sweaters much, not my preference.  So, why wear them onstage?  First of all, as I tell audiences, they are like "guy girdles".  They help a middle aged (or older) guy keep the love handles contained.  Hopefully they do make us look slimmer.  Lots of storytellers wear vests and hats.  It has almost become "traditional storyteller garb"

Several tellers noted that women storytellers often dress better than men dress for telling.  I would agree and suspect many men don't even give it a second thought.  I wonder if their careers would be better of they did?  I wonder if those who hire them care.

A couple tellers also mentioned that THE STORY is most important.  Yep, I agree.  However, distraction can take away from the story, can hurt the performance and might even be something that causes one not to be rehired in the future.

So, the take away?  Dress comfortably, do what you want, wear a kilt if appropriate to your stories for goodness sakes.  DO dress for success.  Do make sure your clothing fits well, is clean and not pulled from a pile of twice or thrice worn clothing in the corner of some dormitory room. 

As you market yourself try to remember that you are selling a product.  Companies spend millions of dollars getting just the right colors, fonts, package shape and even smell of a product.  Believe it or not shelf position has an impact on sales.

If all that is true... then do you really think what you wear for a performance DOES NOT MATTER?

Just sayin'.

Image and Presentation

Ten or twelve years ago all my storytelling promotional materials said, "Stephen Hollen, Appalachian Storyteller".  That is who I was and (I thought) what I did.  I was and still am proud to be an Appalachian.  I am a mountain boy through and through.

I thought it odd that no one ever contacted me to tell other types of stories.  I had a great program of Cinderella stories from around the world.  I even dressed in an evening coat with vest and cravat to tell the stories.  Audiences loved the program.  I seldom did that program.  The same was true for my Celtic and patriotic programs.

Then I had a revelation!  I was promoting myself as an Appalachian Storyteller.  As venues looked for a program they would pass over me because they weren't looking for an Appalachian program that day.  When I changed my marketing materials to "Stephen Hollen, Storyteller" I started getting more contacts for other types of programs.  I still told my Appalachian stories, Jack Tales and my Cousin Peanut stories.

What had changed was what others saw when they were looking at my materials.  I was no longer perceived as only telling one sort of stories.  Don't think that I stopped marketing and let the gigs roll in with that simple change.  It still took work to get gigs.

Occasionally I was and still am asked to tell mountain stories and appear in "hillbilly" clothes... ragged shirt or long john shirt, worn out overalls and work boots.  I always decline.  There are several reasons I decline:

• I will not foster the image of a "Lil Abner" or "Jethro Bodine".  I am educated, successful and Appalachian.
• I do not wear that type of get up in real life, so why would I wear it as a storyteller?
• That image is a stereotype that does implies Appalachians are dirty, lazy and ignorant.
• That image insults a heritage I am proud of.

All that being said, the question for you is this:
Do you box yourself into a certain type of stories with the image you promote either unintentionally or on purpose?

I used to laugh when Chuck Larkin and I would talk about his title, "The Bluegrass Storyteller"  I had lived in the "Bluegrass" area of Kentucky and knew Chuck didn't.  He told me he just liked the sound of it.  I think there were other reasons I just don't remember.  The point is, it sounded good, homey and fit Chuck without boxing him into a specific "perception" of what he did.

Road Warrior

Being a road warrior - a "Touring Storyteller" is not for everyone.  Many storytellers just do not want to hit the road and travel for weeks.  Some of us enjoy the travel and love to see new places.  Here is a warning!

If you don't purposefully schedule some down time in your tour you will never see the amazing sights where you travel.  I try to have one day set aside so I can explore, take photos and find that great off the beaten path restaurant.  I also plan ahead for that day so I can use it wisely.

• Google is a great place to start your "day off planning".  Try searching "things to do in..."  or "attractions in..." and add the town you will be in.  I always find great things to see and do this way.
•  Check for a Chamber of Commerce and see if there is a listing of local points of interest.
• Check to see if there is a local tourism office and give them a call.  They will be happy to send you information about the area.  Don't limit it to just the town you will be in.  Look for other nearby towns also.
• Look through a travel guide - if there is one for the area.
• Ask someone (in advance, of course) at the  local venue/venues about attractions, parks, great restaurants in the local area.  The locals always know more than the travel guides do.
• When you do decide where you will visit ask someone in the town about the place.  "The largest fuzzball in America" might sound like fun, but it may just be a ball of fuzz under glass on someone's porch!
• Most of all, plan time for yourself to rest, relax and enjoy some time to yourself!

Shut Up And LISTEN!

OK, I know this is hard for a storyteller or any performer.  You are going to read this and say that you already do this.  Yes, I know, you are a marketing genius.

So, why are you not getting the gigs you want?

It may be because you TALK TOO MUCH!

I taught Professional Selling Skills in many venues all around the U.S. and even once in Canada.  The hardest part of the training was to get sales people to shut up and wait for answers.  In a situation where you are nervous your mouth goes into overdrive.  Here is my simple advice as you are asking for business.

Ask simple questions:  There are two kinds of questions, the closed ended question and the open ended question:  Closed ended - "May I confirm the date for you?"  It requires a simple answer.  Too many times we use this type of question trying to get information.  This is the question you ASK AND SHUT UP! Let the other person think and answer.

Open ended questions are to get information.  "Tell me how my program fits your need."  Open ended and  looking for information.  Again, ASK AND SHUT UP.  Let them think and answer.

Ask for business:  When I am getting to the "close" I try to say something like, "I have my calendar in front of me now.  Would you like to look at dates?"  This is a soft close.  I am asking for the business by looking at their calendar.  This is a simple closed ended question.  THEN SHUT UP!!!

Answer objections:  Often you might hear a question that can close you down.  "I am not sure scary stories are appropriate for cardiac patients."  Your reply is to clarify and keep the dialogue open.  "I understand.  Scary stories for cardiac patients may be an issue.  I also have a lovely healing stories program that is encouraging, empowering and more appropriate.  Does that fit your need better?"  Again, ask and SHUT UP!



Side note:  if you are in the mood, here is a little something I wrote a few years back to take you down to the hills:  http://www.mountainstories.net/2008/12/sunrise.html




 Stephen Hollen is an award winning storyteller, humorist and Mark Twain Impersonator living in Beavercreek, Ohio.  He performs and tells stories in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan and throughout the USA. 

Your Best Sales Tool

If I could only have one sales tool in my tool kit it would have to be my business card.  Why?

• First, I can carry business cards in my pocket or wallet - AND I do!
• It is easy to pass along to others and small enough for them to put in their pocket or wallet.
• Business cards can define who you are and what you do in a small space.
• They are cheap.  I am a fan of Vistaprint.com and there are ALWAYS deals for business cards.

How often are you asked for your phone number?  I never just blurt out my number.  I get out a card and give it to the person asking for my number.  You wouldn't believe the times folks have said, "Wow, you're a storyteller!".  If I have something I need to write down for someone... you guessed it.  I write it on the back of my card.


As I am talking with someone and they ask what I do I simply reach for my card.  They read it immediately and usually comment.


Business cards are easy to place in a letter or card.  Anytime I send a "Thank You" I enclose a business card.


When I perform I always have a stack of cards I pass out to those who ask.  It is a lot cheaper than handing out brochures.  I DO keep a few brochures or postcards with me and pass them along to folks who have a serious inquiry at a gig.


IMPORTANT TIP: Always give someone who asks about scheduling more than one business card.  At the end of a gig give the person who invited you several cards and ask them to pass the cards along.





 Stephen Hollen is an award winning storyteller, humorist and Mark Twain Impersonator living in Beavercreek, Ohio.  He performs and tells stories in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan and throughout the USA. 

No one around here ever hires me!

No One Around Here Hires Me!!

Do you ever voice that lament?  Do you hear it from other storytellers or performers?


Your question to start the week:  WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT?


The last blog entry dealt with Top of the Mind Awareness.  Lets build on that idea and think about what you are doing to change that.  Here are a few questions to get your planning on the right track.

  

• First of all, have you done an inventory of all the possible venues within 30, 60 and 90 minutes of your home base?
• Have you identified the decision maker at each venue, including phone number, e-mail and address of the venue?
• Sure, it sounds redundant, but do you have this information in a user friendly database?  Can you do letters, e-mails, labels with your database?
• Can you track the contacts you make with each venue as well as noting when you do gigs for that venue?
• Have you ever called just to introduce yourself?
• Do you make some sort of contact on a regular basis?  Frequency is the key here.  Why not develop a plan to mail postcards 4 or 6 times a year, send e-mails quarterly, send invitations to events you are doing locally?

Don't be a pest!  This is not suggesting you call monthly and hassle them. The idea is to put information in front of the decision maker with enough frequency that they will think of you when they think of storytellers.

The Bottom Line:  If they don't know you 

they won't hire you!



 Stephen Hollen is an award winning storyteller, humorist and Mark Twain Impersonator living in Beavercreek, Ohio.  He performs and tells stories in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan and throughout the USA. 

Top of the Mind Awareness

Wouldn't it be great if every gig you scheduled was just a short drive from your home?  Even better, wouldn't it be awesome if everyone who ever hires storytellers thought of you first when they thought of storytellers?

That is "TOP OF MIND AWARENESS".  In other words, when a customer is ready to schedule/buy - they think of you first.  You have been stamped into their memory and when they think of "storyteller" your name AND face comes up.  That is an enviable position to have.  A position that the marketing giants are careful to promote for themselves.  Think APPLE, COKE, MCDONALDS.  When I was a kid there was a Texaco commercial with a jingle that said, "You can trust your car to the man who wears the star, the big, bright Texaco star!"  Still today that is top of mind awareness.

Are you asking yourself, "But how can I do that?  I don't have a thousand person marketing department.  It is just little ol' me."

Here is how you start:  First, get a map of your area and draw a circle around where you live.  I draw three circles - 30 miles, 60 miles and 90 miles.  Lets start with the 30 mile circle and identify EVERY potential venue in that circle.  Yes, it takes some work, but it will pay off. Some potential venues might be libraries, elementary schools, day camps and  civic organizations.  Check for seasonal festivals and special events also.

As you identify the venue, determine who the decision maker might be.  If it is a library, for example, there might be several including the head librarian/director, the teen or youth librarian and the children's librarian. If you can compile additional info about a contact MAKE A NOTE!  I have known sales reps that had awesome notes about each client.  AND their clients LOVED them because they remembered and cared about who they were.  They also made good notes about when and how they contacted the client.  An example:

Jonathan Apple Memorial Library
1953 Main Street
Apple Tree, KY 40000

Director: Lizzie Borden - collects chopping tools.  Might be interested in a Father's Day program
Teen Librarian - Charles Wolfe - loves werewolf and vampire stories, ask about Halloween programs
Children's Librarian - Bonnie Buttercup - president of local garden club. loves environmental storytelling

2012 contacts: March postcard mailing, e-mails about Mother's Day programs, stopped in to see Bonnie and leave info about my "Think Green!" storytelling program.

Ask yourself, "How often have I contacted the venues closest to me?  Once, twice in the past year?  Do they even remember me or that there is a storyteller in their neighborhood?"  How much is reasonable?  How much can I afford?  This is not suggesting that you become a pest or constantly call and hassle a contact.  Much of what you do can be subtle and passive.  Vary the programs you promote with each venue.  they might not be interested in one program and will be excited about another program.

Top of the Mind Awareness helps in another way also.  As others speak with your potential venues about storytellers, your name will come up EVEN if a venue has no money to hire you themselves.

Want more local gigs?  Identify all potential venues, develop good info about each venue, develop a systematic contact/marketing plan, make contact regularly and vary the programs you offer.





 Stephen Hollen is an award winning storyteller, humorist and Mark Twain Impersonator living in Beavercreek, Ohio.  He performs and tells stories in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan and throughout the USA. 

I Love Anchor Gigs

I love anchor gigs!

So, what in the world am I talking about and what does it have to do with marketing and storytelling/performing?  Great question, if I do say so myself.


As I look at my calendar, I often find that I get requests for programs outside of my local area.  You get them too.  They are gigs that you cannot do without some travel and at least one overnight away from home.  Many storytellers and other performers turn these down immediately for several reasons; too far from home, the venue can't afford to pay your gig fee plus motel plus mileage, perhaps you just don't know the area.


If you don't want to travel those are all good reasons not to take a gig.  If, like me, you enjoy the travel and seeing new sites, these gigs become Anchor Gigs and an opportunity for other gigs and more income! 


An Anchor Gig is a gig I schedule and begin to build around.  As I build a tour I do not like to bounce down the highway from one town to the next for gigs.  I would rather find a good area to market in and a decent motel, a welcoming friend or a neat Bed and Breakfast and begin to look for opportunities.


For example, if you have a gig opportunity in Atlanta, Georgia make that your Anchor Gig and draw a 60 mile circle around Atlanta.  That is approximately an hour drive any direction which is very reasonable travel time to a gig for me.  I personally love to use an Atlas and a compass for this task.  It makes it easier than trying to do this on Google Maps or Mapquest.  The map has a mileage scale that I use to adjust my compass as I draw a circle IN PENCIL! 


Try it on Google Maps - do an imaginary circle and see all the towns and cities within an hour drive!  There is Roswell, Smyrna, Lawrenceville, Marietta... and Athens is just 9 miles outside that circle, so I would include it too!

The next step is Google "mining for venues".  I search the surrounding towns, villages and cities for opportunities; Libraries, Festivals, Civic Clubs, Churches, Day Camps, Senior Centers, Museums all are great opportunities.  

I personally like to start with a postcard (can you imagine me starting with a postcard) or e-mail if I can find a contact person at each possible venue.  Having a date creates a sense of urgency for the contact.  In an e-mail you would suggest "I will be in your area the week of November 5th and have dates still available" .  For a postcard I like to use a gold foil label on the front of the postcard with "Stephen will be in the Smyrna area the week of November 5th, call for scheduling info".

I do my homework and determine which of my programs would best fit each venue and send the appropriate e-mail or postcard.  I do NOT send a generic e-mail or postcard.  I try my best to suggest a specific program.


Follow up with a polite phone call, confirm they received the e-mail or phone call and ask if they would like to schedule a program.  It might take 5 or even 10 contacts to get another gig, but persistence pays off.  Does it work?  Yes, it works very well for me.  

For the second week in August I started with a gig about 4 hours away from home.  A decent paying gig, but in the middle of the week.  I mailed about 50 postcards (my cost was about 42 cents each so a cost of $21) and made 30 or 40 e-mail contacts.  As a result of mining around that Anchor Gig I now have 4 gigs instead of one.  I will need to stay for three nights in that area, but one of the venues offered lodging in a lovely guest suite for two nights as part of my compensation!



 Stephen Hollen is an award winning storyteller, humorist and Mark Twain Impersonator living in Beavercreek, Ohio.  He performs and tells stories in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan and throughout the USA. 

A Wonderment in a Hive

There is something very spiritual for me as I work with my honey bees.  Perhaps because I have to move slow, work carefully and am alone in the midst of several hundred thousand bees.  Though It is hot in my bee suit, I a still a rookie, a "New-bee" if you will.  I often don't wear gloves, or just a pair of nitrite "surgical" gloves when I am just feeding them this time of year.  When there is little nectar - hot weather will dry nectar out in the flowers, feeding the bees will help them prepare well for winter.

As I move slowly from hive to hive, I marvel at how they have grown the hive.  Just one queen, laying up to 1,500 eggs a day takes a spring hive from 3,000 to 5,000 bees up to 50,000 or 60,000 mid summer.  Remember, each bee lives about 6 weeks after they emerge from their capped cell.  By winter the queen will slow down egg production and begin laying eggs that will become "fat" bees that can survive longer and care for her during a harsh winter.  These bees can lives months instead of weeks.  (yes, the queen can love several years)

I lift frames of comb to the sky and look closely, seeing tiny eggs, larvae and uncapped pupae as the sun glows through the drawn comb.  Here and there capped brood can be found... pupae in their last stage of development, their cell covered with wax as they contemplate for a few days before emerging.

All over I see the miracle that God made when he created these insects.  The newly emerged bees wobble a bit and are lighter in color than older bees.  House bees, all usually less than 3 weeks old care for eggs, larvae and pupae.  The foraging bees, all usually older than 3 weeks old, come and go, pollen baskets on their rear legs laden with pollen of all colors.

It is a wonderment, a miracle, a God inspired design that sings to me as I work.  I don't often smoke them, I find if I work slowly they are little bothered by my cautious care.




 Stephen Hollen is an award winning storyteller, humorist and Mark Twain Impersonator living in Beavercreek, Ohio.  He performs and tells stories in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan and throughout the USA. 

Photo Mark Twain

 

 Stephen Hollen is an award winning storyteller, humorist and Mark Twain Impersonator living in Beavercreek, Ohio.  He performs and tells stories in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan and throughout the USA. 

Celebration of a Quiet Life

Go with me to the mountains, deep in the mountains, the hills and hollers of Eastern Kentucky.  I'll take you there, to a holler with a creek runnin' through called Flat Creek.  Look around with me and find the highest place.  Though these old mountains were worn before men ever walked the hills, help me find the highest one.  Please be patient and climb that hill along side me.  Come on, I'll take you there.

Stand quiet now.  Breath in deep and smell the honeysuckle, the cedar and pine.  Breathe deep again and catch the thick sweet smell of sourwood bloomin' down below.  When the wind blows up the hill just right the fragrance is so amazin'.  Listen and you can hear the honeybees workin' the sourwood blossoms.

Look around, look down into the hollers at the old rugged cabins, so many deserted now.  Close your eyes and go back with me, nearly 87 years.  Come with me, I'll take you there.  Down yonder, just there, the cabin is gone now, but back then, a simple log cabin stood there, just a plain ol' mountain cabin with a dirt floor was there in that clear spot, there, just there, do you see?

The youngin's have been sent down the road to Aunt Dellie's for a while.  The midwife came just a while ago on an old red mule.  Grandpa Steve Hollen brushes down the old mule just to have something.  Till there comes a cry...

As I close my eyes, I imagine it was something like that, when my Daddy was born.  No one noticed much, beside family.  He was never a rich man, never bragged on himself, never made headlines.  He lived a simple and quiet life.

Today, seven years after his passin', I celebrate his quiet life.  In so many ways I am not like him, can never fill his shoes, but I am so much of him.  So much of who I am is due to that quiet life.

He wasn't able to finish school... went to war instead.  Sailor, Seabee, yet he never talked about those war years.  I just don't know about those years.

Home again, he found work, as many did, in a factory and worked as much as he could to support a wife and five years after their marriage, one son, then another.

I'm told when I would cry (and he had been out with cousins and friends) more than once he climbed into my crib and laid with me... I can only imagine.  When I had colic he and my Mom would get in the car nightly and drive around till I fell asleep.

I remember when Daddy and Mom came home with Brother Mike.  Daddy walked in the side door holding my little brother so very careful, his quiet smile so big, so proud he had two boys.  He had a gold tooth back then, said he got it while he was in the Navy.  It showed through when he grinned.  I wanted a gold tooth back then.

When I was 8, his life changed as he walked a church aisle, accepted Jesus as Lord and quietly served his God.  A few months later I followed his path down that same aisle.  In March of 1963, Daddy and I stepped into a chilly baptistry together. I was baptized first, then Daddy was baptized.  Oh my it was cold!  (Don't forget Baptists immerse completely... and the water heater was new and not connected yet on that cold March Sunday)

One by one, cousin, sister, old friends and family followed Daddy down that aisle.  Not because he was an evangelist, preacher or prophet.  He never proselytized.  He just lived a quiet life, a life changed to make him a better man.  He was happy and content.  They saw how he lived and, like me, I reckon they wanted some of what he found.

When Brother Mike and I had kids our quiet Daddy changed again.  For two ornery sons he often was stern.  He could just look at us and we would settle down.  But when the grand-babies  took hold of Pappy he was sweet and gentle.  He walked and rocked them in his arms, sang to them, looked deep into their souls and loved them as only a Grandpa can.

My Kelly would sit with him in his recliner and together them would watch cartoons for hours.  She claimed he loved watching the Smurfs... yet I remember the crossword book in his hands each time they sat watching cartoons.

I can still see them together, Pappy and Kelly watching cartoons, Pooh Bear safe in her arms.

Then cancer took him in just 41 days.  Oh my, just not enough time to say all I wanted to say.  Daddy never talked much, wasn't much on verbal expressions of love.  He lived a quiet life.  Most times through my life when I would say, "I love you Daddy", he would say, "Same here".  That was always enough, we knew he just found it hard to express himself like that.

Instead he worked hard, lived that quiet life, provided for us, quietly loved us, showed us how to live.

Yet in those 41 days, every time we said "I love you" he would say "I love you too".  As he hurt, as he suffered he told us each time that he loved us.  What a great man he was, what a great Daddy.

Today I celebrate the quiet, exemplary life of Jimmie Hollen, born 12/17/1924, died 5/15/2004.





 Stephen Hollen is an award winning storyteller, humorist and Mark Twain Impersonator living in Beavercreek, Ohio.  He performs and tells stories in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan and throughout the USA. 



Our last Christmas with Daddy

Lessons Learned on the Cabin Porch

Lesson One: The Purpose of a Porch

This is a lament for the loss of the front porch.  Not that they are no longer built, but that they are no longer used.  Folks build decks or patios these days.  Some might add on a front porch, or pretend with a "stoop".  Folks huddle inside to keep warm in the winter and air conditioned cool in the summer, forgetting the multiple benefits of the front porch.

The front porch, in the days of glory for all front porches, was the shaded spot to relax after supper, to sip coffee on Sunday with the Preacher (and his wife!), to watch folks go by and discuss the goin's on around the area.

It might have sounded something like this; "Well, I swan, here comes Homer Wagers in his new truck.  ain't new, 'course.  I heard Homer went to the bank an' got a loan for that truck.  Law-zee, can you imagine?  Gettin' into debt an' owin' the bank for somethin' such as a truck.  Next thing you know they will come an' take his truck an' his house an' where will Emmerline an' his none youngin's go?  Probably end up in Ohio or even worse, Michigan workin' in them factories, don't ya know."

(As the truck pulls up and stops) Well, howdy Homer, Emmerline.  We didn't know that was you drivin' along in that fine fancy truck!  It cain't be more than two years old!  What? four years old?  I swan, it don't look it.  Been taken good care of, it has.

Y'all hear 'bout Charlie Clark?  He 'bout got et up by a groundhog he pulled out of its hole.  He needs to quit that silliness.  Gropin' for groundhogs.  That is plumb nonsense.  Gropin' for catfish is one thing, groundhogs is another.

Y'all come on up and sit a spell.  No?  Well, drive that new truck back when you can visit longer"

(As the truck with Homer and Emmerline drives off) "Did you think they was actin' uppity?  Give a hillbilly a new truck an' he thinks he is the king of the hills.  Hmmph.  I knew him when he was a stealin' chickens to feed his family."





 Stephen Hollen is an award winning storyteller, humorist and Mark Twain Impersonator living in Beavercreek, Ohio.  He performs and tells stories in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan and throughout the USA. 

Bad News from Down Home

Dear Cousins,
This has been a hard winter on me and many of my family... It could be worse though. It was for my Cousin Junebug - no relation to my Cousin Peanut who is a Chappell.  Junebug is a Gilbert.

Junebug pretty much lost everything during this past winter back down in my hometown of Beloved.

Here's how it is, and I ain't tellin' tales 'cause it was all reported by Myrtle Shoop already in the Manchester Enterprise.

You see, Junebug had done got involved and run off with an exotic dancer named Sweet Tea.  That were not a stage name, it was for real her name.  Her brother we call J.J. Burns, his real name was Jelly Jar Burns and hers was Sweet Tea Burns.Jelly Jar is no name for a serious Nascar pit crew boss.

Their Mama and Daddy was just not too creative when they started namin' babies.  After they had their first three- the third one is named Bud L. Burns (middle name Lite), someone bought them a second hand book of baby names at the Jot 'Em Down store and the rest of the youngin's are named normal names.

That Sweet Tea went to ruin early on dancin' an' all.  She was caught doin' the Cha Cha, Mambo and even the Samba behind the barn over to the Burns place.  'Fore long it led to her doin the fandango right in the basement of Booger Holler Holiness Church.  It were a real scandal down home.

Well, Junebug got tied up with her an' her dancin' ways an' they went to Jellico Tennessee an' got hitched.  They tried to settle down, bought a 12 by 60 foot mobile home an' put it smack dab on one of the end lots over to the Blessed Trailer Park, run by Homer Lee and Esther May Blessed.  Now, Homer and Esther May are Methodists an' don't take too much truck with the Holiness folks an' didn't mind if an exotic dancer took up housekeepin' in their trailer park.It was good for the bachelor trailer rentin' business.

I didn't mention that Sweet Tea was seven foot tall.  Junebug is a big ol' boy, near six foot six and as strong as an ox.  She saw him swingin' a log one day an' knew he was the man for her.  She did all she could to get his attention durin' her day job at the Henny Penny.  The Henny Penny is the local chicken restaurant where they serve broasted chicken an' biscuits so light they have to tie a string to them an hook the other end to a drumstick just to keep them biscuits from floatin' away.

I have to say, any good honest mountain boy would fall head over heels for a seven foot red headed, freckled mountain gal with big ol' blue eyes if she came toward him on roller skates, short shorts (2 inches above the knees!!) with a big ol' platter of broasted chicken, a stack of biscuits floatin' overhead an' a mason jar plumb full of sweet tea!

Many a mountain boy has been lured into a marriage proposal with just such a scenario!  It runs only second to placin' a bear trap on the path to Percival Poovey's still on a Friday night after payday over to the mine.

Junebug took his food, had a big ol' swig of sweet tea out of that there Mason Jar an' blurted out, "Man, I love Sweet Tea" .  He grinned a dopey grin, looked around, picked up a broasted chicken leg an' commenced to eatin' every morsel of that leg in one bite!

Sweet Tea Burns decided to take advantage of what Junebug said and ran over to Brother Woodrow Budder, the preacher over to Booger Holler Holiness Church who was sittin' in the next car over with my cousin, Sister Hazel Nutt Budder.

Sweet Tea hollered, "Y'all hear that?  Junebug Gilbert has done professed his love for me.  Them is marryin' words if ever I did hear them!"  Well folks did hear Junebug when he hollered, sure enough, him havin' a good set of lungs an' all.

In the ensuing hubub, Junebug just said, "What?" over an' over again.

Junebug's Daddy an Sweet Tea's Daddy showed up right quick (havin' been called by Sweet Tea herself) an' rather than start a feud between the Burns an' the Gilberts, Junebug's Daddy got Brother Woodrow Budder to marry them on the spot.

It was a festive occasion, one of the waitresses dug around in the Christmas decorations an found a tree skirt they wrapped around Sweet Tea's waist, some poinsettias for a bouquet and a dab of white nettin' for a veil.  Everybody got out of their cars an' the folks eatin' inside came out under the awning to be a part of the wonderful hitchin'.

Myrtle Shoop had been havin' a mixed gizzard an' liver combo inside with ladies from her church an' was able to report in the Manchester Enterprise, as mentioned earlier.

It weren't such a bad deal for Junebug in some ways, Sweet Tea is an awful pretty gal.  Things started goin' south when we had that bad ice storm about middle of January.

Sweet Tea had talked Junebug to puttin' up one of them dance poles in the livin' room of their 12x60 foot mobile home an' she practiced every day on it, hopin' to move from exotic dances like the Samba to that there pole dancin' she had heard about.

She wore work gloves an' overalls as she practiced. Junebug had made that there pole out of good seasoned hickory wood, but hadn't sanded it too good.  Sweet Tea didn't want no splinters, you see.

Now here is the problem... a seven foot gal swingin' round a pole ain't no big deal, unless she is doin' it in a 12x60 foot mobile home that ain't been tied down yet.  Homer Lee Blessed  had it on the "to do" list, but Esther May had just not got to it yet.

The ice storm had slicked the whole holler up real slick down where the Blessed Trailer Park is.  When Sweet Tea commenced to swingin' on that pole, the whole trailer started slippin' round on the ice.  The more she swung, the more it slipped.  She didn't notice till it was right on the edge of a seventy foot ravine.  She looked out the window at the end of the trailer an' screamed, swung off the pole and ran for the door.

That last swing was all it took.  That brand new 12x60 foot mobile home went a careenin' off that cliff and into the ravine.  It slipped slow like, sorta like a slow motion movie or some such thing.  Just before it crashed over, the V shaped tongue of the trailer - you know, the part they pull it with, got hung on some big ol' roots from a gigantic oak tree.  It hung up as it was goin' over and hung vertically, the end just 10 feet from the bottom.

There it hangs to this very day.  No one has figured out how to pull 'er up an' put it back in place.  Junebug thought they could secure it to the side of the hill an' have a hangin' condominium, just put in some floors sideways an' all, but Sweet Tea was havin' none of that.

When your wife is seven foot tall, a feller pretty much does what she says, even if you are six foot six!

They are livin' temporary like over the Henny Penny, but that most likely will come to an end.  Sweet Tea has done corrupted Junebug and they have been makin' quite a racket in the evenin's as Sweet Tea is tryin' to teach Junebug to do that paso-doble exotic dance.

It is the shame of the whole town of Beloved.  Like I said, I thought my winter was bad as I approached the double nickle milestone, then I realized it could be worse... I could be married to Sweet Tea instead of Oh My Darlin'.

Cousin Stephen

Written just before my 55th birthday in 2008 (copyrighted by Stephen Hollen, of course)





 Stephen Hollen is an award winning storyteller, humorist and Mark Twain Impersonator living in Beavercreek, Ohio.  He performs and tells stories in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan and throughout the USA.